Turning 22: Lost, and Found Magic
I have been having a hard time writing this blog post. I want to write about turning 22 and leave you with something inspiring. Truthfully, I feel so out of my depth in this world. I have passion and ideas, but I am unsure of what 22, let alone my life, will look like. The older you get, the less you understand, and the more you realise how important it is to make a difference. It’s so easy to get lost in the middle. AND oh boy, I am lost. Lost in self-help books, lost in applications, lost in people, lost in ideas, lost in understanding my body, lost in love, and maybe that's what 22 looks like for me.
Here’s what I do know: I am sensitive, I am good, and I am tough. I choose honestly like it’s medicine for breathing. I practice vulnerability, grace, and kindness whenever I can (everybody I admire is covered in these traits). I wish I practised gratitude and went outside more. I love to listen. I am not so good at trusting everything will work out, I carry a lot of worry. I am good at setting boundaries, I believe energy is precious and should be protected. I believe in speaking up and rooting for others. I think karma comes back around. I love my Whānau with my whole being. It takes a lot before I let you in, but once I do, I will do everything in my power to love and understand you. I show up, it is the most important action you can do. I learnt it young, waiting on people who couldn’t. Female friendships are sacred. I feel behind in my love life. When I am going through something, you will find me with headphones in and at the beach, then a poem will come later. AND maybe that’s ENOUGH for 22. Maybe that’s all I am meant to know. Sometimes I wish I knew a little more. Like a god does exist, or my mum will get everything she has ever wanted in her lifetime, or all the suffering in the world is not for nothing. A bit morbid, I am sorry, but what is up with birthdays and existential dread? I would like a return policy on the existential dread.
I think we put too much pressure on birthdays to be something great. Something life-changing, that we will wake up covered in growth and sunlight. Reborn if you will. Something I have learnt is you can’t rush time. Believe me, I have tried, we have had a lot of fights about when my goals need to be accomplished. Time always wins. Telling me patience. I struggle with patience. I struggle with things I can’t control. Hence, a few days before my 22nd birthday, I had a massive breakdown. I found myself in the not-so-useful place of - The ‘Why Am I So Behind?’ spiral. It was not my cutest moment, and my older sister did receive a long FaceTime call. All this to say; time wins and knows more than I ever will. So I need to admit defeat and have faith in it, whether I like it or not. I need to find faith so I can experience the moments happening right in front of me. The ordinary everyday moments that life offers us. That’s what matters; your childhood dog’s cuddles, the games of spotlight past your bedtime in summer. My mum’s every so often pancakes for dinner. My siblings ready to yell at someone on my behalf. The takeaways on the floor. Stargazing. The drives with music blaring when I was 17. My friends holding my hair back and me returning the favour. An older girl looking after you on a night out. True belly laughter. Handwritten notes. Handholds. Brushing my teeth with my friends as adults. Hugs. Because one day you turn 22 and realise those moments were when you believed in magic. Maybe the faith lies between each other. The faith is built on the foundations of love and community. The ordinary moments we shared that accidently made magic. Maybe it's the people showing up for you, getting you through the hard times. Maybe that's all we need to know that it will work out. It will be okay no matter what, because there is still magic to be made.
Marriane Williamson (author/political activist) says, “Joy is what happens when we allow ourselves to recognise how good things are.” So I spent my 22nd birthday exactly like that, recognising how good things are. I got a few of my friends together for a bottomless brunch and just let the day play out. No expectations, just ordinary life, with my small community. Can I tell you something? It was my favourite birthday so far. I ended up drunk in the afternoon, giggling with my whole belly. My brother picked my friends and me up. We had no original plans, but we came home and played games and danced to 22 by Taylor Swift. AT 6 pm, I ended up blowing out candles on supermarket cupcakes (that I used to love as a kid) in my childhood home, with those who showed up to love me. I was surrounded by love, feeling like the luckiest girl in the world. I was right in the present, soaking up the magic. My birthday was better than I ever imagined because it was right in front of me. I let myself feel joy. Because life isn’t coming soon in the mail, it's here now and I will be damned if I miss out on the joy of the ordinary moments because I didn’t notice the magic.
My only advice
(2 for 22- poetic and all I feel qualified to give):
If all else fails, be honest with yourself, and others, that's how you find what you want.
Look for magic that’s right in front of you, the ordinary moments, the people, because it’s easier to notice looking back on, but it’s also here now.
