Everything I don’t know about love (on finding yourself)

I like to consider myself knowledgeable in a wide range of areas. I like to listen and learn. I like to string some sense together about our deeply chaotic world. Yet when it comes to romantic love I am stumped. Talking about a wall I don’t know how to climb. Some would call me a late bloomer, I prefer right on time for my life. 

Then again I cannot work out this soulmate/lover/partner fiasco. It could potentially be my slightly avoidant attachment style. I don’t want to hear it, I am moving slowly towards the secure attachment. No men have been harmed by my attachment style just yet. Okay maybe my middle school alleged boyfriend (of two weeks) that I physically and mentally ran away from, though in high school I was told he has no recollection of it, thank god. The guilt swallowed me a bit too whole for an 11-year-old who swore off boys till she got her shit together. I wish I was kidding, a pep talk that included ‘let's give boys a break till high school.’ This is the basis on what I started my relationships from. Unfortunately, I only have sitcom stories for you since.  

Despite not having relationships figured out from a young age, I think I have done a pretty good job at nurturing and creating great friendships. I truly think my soulmates in this life are friends. I got so incredibly lucky. This was evident again to me in my solo travels. I kept a journal during that trip, and I want to share some notes I wrote on love. 

Ferry Athens to Mykonos, Greece, 4th of September 23: 

I wrote this at the start of my trip when homesickness was still lingering; ‘People need connection like water. Essential to survival. We need each other.’ I am slightly introverted, so sometimes I can forget how important people are, but even the most introverted person in the world needs someone. It’s okay to admit you need someone. It makes you human. 

Lisbon, Portugal, 23rd of September 24: 

I wrote; ‘I have something about me that I will only put energy into things I am sure about, then I will give everything I am capable of. Though I haven’t met a person that I am sure of, so the love is stored like a caterpillar in a cocoon. What happens if I stay stored forever, never able to see how much and well I could love someone? I’d never know what the butterflies already know. I’d never know how huge I could be. I’d never find out how to fly with the other butterflies. I’d stay where I am, watching, wondering, never knowing what everyone else already knows.’ Yeah so…. remember in my previous conversation blog post I wrote, that during solo travel you come into combat with every thought that keeps you up at night. This is a prime example. Yet I don’t think this scares me anymore, because who cares if your love doesn’t find a partner, it’s your love. That means more for yourself and everyone around you. I have changed my mind, I don’t think love can be stored. I think it exists inside of you, then overflows when you are satisfied. The overflow will attract the right people. 

On the 29th of October 23 at 7:02 pm I was watching a YouTube video. I wrote down a quote in my notes app that has filtered in and out of my mind since. Moya Mawhinney said - “We underestimate our own ability to connect, it’s an innate human quality.” I think about this a lot, the way we are so quick to underestimate our human abilities. I met these two friends while solo travelling. We were in their Airbnb in Barcelona giggling like kids talking about our boy experiences. One of the girls looked at me after explaining my sitcom of a love life and not understanding why I couldn’t connect romantically. She said ’ You connected with us, that is proof you have it in you, you will get that with a partner too.’ She is not wrong, during the solo trip I connected with so many people, more than I thought. I was underestimating my ability. Maybe I have been underestimating it since the start? 

Antibes, South of France, 21st September 24:

I wrote; ‘Is my need for true love tied back to the women before me? The women who had to get married and stayed up to pray that who they married was their person, not just a person they had to be with, but someone they really like. Is that why I am so picky because I have the choice?’ I guess staring at the Mediterranean does wonders for perspective. We sometimes forget how privileged we are, but I am so incredibly lucky to get to choose who I can be with. I’m so incredibly lucky that I get the opportunity to find myself first too. Sometimes we can forget a lack of something is actually a privilege that others don’t have the same liberty to enjoy.

Paris, France, 28th September 24:

I was sitting on the floor of the art museum ‘Bourse de Commerce’ and wrote ‘Oh I didn’t find a romantic love on this trip. I found self-love. I found love just within. Maybe I won.’ This is the first time where I have truly had love for myself and known it. Of course there are things I am learning to love, but I really do like who I am. So I don’t know everything about love, I know friendship, I know what I am looking for in a partner, I know love from myself, and how I love. Maybe that’s enough for now. 

Maybe I know about 15% about relationship love. But I know love, through family, through friends, and myself. One day it will be through a person too. I want to give us ‘late bloomers’ some credit here. We might not know a lot about boyfriends but we most likely know more about friendship and internal love, than people who know lots about relationship love. None are wrong, we are in our own race. The beautiful thing is we can teach each other what we know. Love is truly the only thing we leave behind, and that is the most special thing about it. So despite being a late bloomer, I have built foundations for a relationship of love within myself. So maybe I am winning my race. I hope you are winning yours too.